No Way In Hell
by Lucillia
Summary: After Kakashi inadvertently slips up, Sasuke and Sakura discover who Naruto's parents were. Sasuke refuses to believe that Naruto is the son of the Fourth Hokage despite all of the evidence he gathers that points to that fact.
1. The Discovery

Kakashi rubbed his temples, attempting to relieve his headache. Two hours of Naruto's constant yelling was bad enough, but that on top of a hangover...

"Why couldn't Naruto have had his mother's looks and his father's personality instead?" he moaned.

There was a sudden silence, and he could feel three pairs of eyes boring into him.

_Oh crap, I said that out loud didn't I? _he thought.

"You knew my parents?" Naruto asked, sounding stunned.

There was no way he could fix this. Any choice he made from here would get him in serious trouble with the Hokage, even worse trouble than he was already in for having even mentioned Naruto's parents in the presence of another human being. One option however could possibly get him into the least amount of trouble and head off a situation where Naruto followed him around constantly harassing him for information about his parents though.

"Your parents were both friends of mine." he said, as it was true enough in a way. "They died the day you were born. Your father died in the fight against the Kyuubi and your mother died due to complications from childbirth."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Naruto asked looking and sounding betrayed, his eyes having that same look in them that sensei's had the day he'd finally snapped and stuffed Obito in a sack and beat the crap out of him.

"The Hokage wanted to protect you because your father made some dangerous enemies who would be happy to kill you since they couldn't get their revenge on him, and thought that if you didn't know anything about your parents you wouldn't be able to accidentally say something that would connect you to your father." he replied.

"Oh." Naruto said, looking disappointed but clearly understanding. There had been more than enough people after his blood because of the whole Nine-Tailed Fox thing, though they usually limited themselves to doing things that wouldn't get them arrested and/or killed (Mizuki being a rather glaring exception).

Following his explanation as to why he'd said nothing about Naruto's parents before, Kakashi dismissed his students for the day. He was going to inform the Hokage of his slip-up before the old man heard of it from another source, and he needed to clear the rest of his afternoon for the massive chewing out he would be receiving.

* * *

After being dismissed, Sasuke watched in shock as the pink haired annoyance left without molesting him or attempting to finagle a date.

"Where are you going?" he asked, trying not to sound interested in the answer in case it caused her to notice her oversight and return.

"I'm going to see if I can find out who Naruto's parents were." the pink haired pest replied.

After hearing Kakashi's explanation, he was curious himself. While much was said about the prankster who had replaced his lunch with a rather unhappy frog during their first week at the Academy, nothing had really been said about his parents and he now found that he wanted to know who the hell could have produced something like Naruto. On the one hand however, this would end up giving the pink haired pest some form of encouragement, but on the other, Pinky was a genius when it came to research and with someone helping her, the answer would be discovered all that much sooner.

"I'll help." he said, knowing that not knowing the answers to his questions about where his blond teammate came from would probably bother him more than anything the pink haired pest would do.

After leaving the training ground, they then went to the library where Pinky promptly began looking through the citizen rolls while he went to the binders that contained brief bios on Shinobi who had died in the line of duty.

Grabbing the volumes from twelve years before, he looked for blond ninja who died on October 10th.

"Odd." Pinky said after about ten minutes.

"What?" he asked.

"He has his mother's maiden name." Pinky replied. "According to this, she was one of the refugees from Uzushiogakure who were inducted into Konoha's ninja forces. Have you had any luck?"

"I've got twelve blond males who died fighting the Kyuubi. Seven with brown eyes, three with green, and two with blue." he replied.

"You can rule out the first ten. According to Uzumaki Kushina's profile, she had gray eyes." Pinky said as she held out a bio that had a shinobi registration photo that contained a woman who was basically a red-haired version of Naruto attached to it.

* * *

"So, who's left?" Sakura asked.

"Yamanaka Akira age 16 and...The Fourth Hokage." the extremely dreamy Uchiha Sasuke replied, pushing both profiles towards her so she could see them.

"He doesn't look a thing like him." she said pushing the Yamanaka's profile away after carefully studying it and finding almost nothing in common with Naruto, as the young man's hair was the wrong shade of blonde and his eyes the wrong blue.

Following the elimination of the Yamanaka, there was only one other profile left. They both looked at the picture and then looked at each-other.

"It fits. He taught Kakashi-sensei. He's blond with blue eyes and he died on the day Naruto was born while fighting the Kyuubi." she said, almost unable to believe what she was seeing, especially considering the way her mother spoke about the boy in question.

"No way in hell." Sasuke said.

**Edited 4/2/13.**


	2. Elemental Affinity

Sasuke had found it rather easy to get the Elemental Affinity Test Papers. He'd just had to ask the owner of a store that sold them about them, and the man had happily handed him several "free samples", trembling slightly and gesturing for his children to hide as he did so as some villagers had been wont to do after That Man had... Never mind the manner in which they had been handed over, he was glad that the man had given him the papers for no charge, because he'd checked the price and the damn things were rather expensive. Only one of them cost about as much as a C-ranked mission, which was why most ninja usually waited until they were Chunin and therefore approaching financial security before acquiring one in order to test their affinity.

The reason he'd wanted the affinity testing papers was because Chakra affinities tended to run in families. He had looked up the Fourth Hokage's, it was Wind. If Naruto had any affinity other than Wind, it would prove that he wasn't the son of the Fourth Hokage.

After he'd left the shop and its relieved keeper behind, he decided to test Naruto the next day while they waited for their habitually tardy sensei to arrive. The waiting had been the hardest. He had stayed up most of the night watching the papers in case they vanished when he wasn't looking, and had almost run to the bridge in a most undignified manner as soon as the sun peeked over the horizon. The sooner he could prove to himself that the Idiot wasn't the son of the Yondaime, the sooner things would return to normal.

* * *

After arriving for training that day, Sakura found herself staring at Naruto. She wanted to believe Sasuke when he said that there was absolutely no chance that Naruto was the Fourth Hokage's son, but the longer she looked at him the more similarities she could see to the pictures of the Yondaime that she'd found in the Historical Archives. There was something about the jawline, and Naruto's hair when it wasn't being held back by either his hitai-ate or his goggles that made her wonder why the hell nobody had seen it before.

While she gleefully imagined the stunned look that would be on Ino's face when she found out that her rival lucked out enough to be placed on a team that not only had Sasuke-kun but had the son of the Fourth Hokage as well, she knew she couldn't tell a soul. She remembered how Kakashi had said that Naruto's father had made many enemies who wouldn't hesitate to kill him for who he was related to, and she didn't want that on her conscience. Naruto was an annoyance, but she didn't want him dead.

As she stood there studying her blond teammate who became more of an enigma with each passing second, she didn't even notice when her precious Sasuke-kun had arrived. It wasn't until Sasuke had walked up to Naruto and started speaking to him that she realized he was there.

* * *

Naruto looked down at the piece of paper in confusion, but did as the arrogant bastard asked after several false starts. The paper promptly tore itself in half.

"Was it supposed to rip like that?" he asked looking at the piece of paper that had been diagonally torn down the middle.

The Uchiha looked stunned for about half a second after seeing the result, but quickly recovered, pulling a book out of his pocket and swiftly leafing through it until he reached the desired page. As he read it, he looked a bit put out by the information it contained.

"Try it again." Sasuke said as he pulled another small piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to him.

This piece of paper tore in half as well.

"I guess it was supposed to do that." he said as he looked at the two halves of the sheet of paper in his hand.

* * *

"Again." Sasuke said as he handed Naruto a piece of paper just as Kakashi arrived.

Standing on the railing of the bridge that was the team's usual meeting spot, he watched as Naruto grabbed the paper and concentrated for a moment. The paper split in two. Despite having Kushina's looks and exuberant personality, Naruto truly was his sensei's son.

"Hi everyone. Sorry I'm late. I just got lost down memory lane." he said, alerting his students to his presence.

**Edited 4/2/13**


	3. Nara's Opinion

After two days of research into affinity types Sasuke finally closed the last of the books he had checked out. Having the same affinity type wasn't conclusive proof that Naruto was the son of the Yondaime. It just meant that there was an increased likelyhood that they were related. It was possible that Naruto's father was the Yondaime's Fourth Cousin twice removed or something, and that both of them had the same elemental affinity due to a common ancestor from way back before the founding of Konoha.

He needed a second opinion, which was why he would have to ask one of the smartest people he knew despite the fact that he was lazy as hell, and would more than likely refuse just to be contrary or because it would cut into his naptime or something. He could already hear the put-upon sigh, and the mutter of "Troublesome". After returning the books, he headed to the Nara residence. The Naras were lazy as hell, but they were absolutely brilliant. He knew that for a fact because his father had once called on Nara Shikaku to create the profile that had helped the KPMF capture a serial killer.

An hour later Nara Shikamaru was intently studying Naruto.

"Troublesome." the lazy boy muttered as soon as he finished his inspection and headed back over to him in order to give him the results.

"It is almost entirely certain that the answer to your question is yes." Shikamaru said quietly. "The two small spots in Uzumaki Naruto's right eye are hereditary. You'll notice two identical spots in the Fourth Hokage's right eye in the close-up they used in our textbook."

"Hey! What are you two muttering about?" Naruto yelled from the other side of the field.

"Nothing really, Shikamaru just doesn't want to go get ramen with us." he replied feeling irritated. Not only would he be owing the Nara a substantial favor for doing something that didn't give him a definitive answer, but he would also have to buy Naruto as many bowls of ramen as he could put away in one sitting since that had been the price of luring him out here on his day off.

* * *

Two hours after his examination of Uzumaki Naruto at the Uchiha's behest, Shikamaru had been studying his sensei's last move in the latest round of their never-ending game of Shogi when the man had finally asked the question that had obviously been bothering him. He knew that Asuma-sensei had been hanging around at the edge of the field close enough to intervene if necessary but far enough away to give him, the Uzumaki, and the Uchiha some privacy, and that he had been unable to hear any of the conversations that had taken place while he had come to the unsettling realization that the most hated person in Konoha was the son of the Fourth Hokage. He also knew that his sensei was curious as to what had been going on as the situation was rather unusual since the teams hadn't really interacted since graduating the Academy, but willing to let him tell him in his own time.

"What were you talking with the Uchiha about earlier at training field 7?" Asuma-sensei finally asked.

An evil thought suddenly came to mind. He knew that the Uzumaki's heritage was a secret of the highest order that should and could not be revealed even to those who might be in the know, otherwise everyone would have known and commented on it, and he had always disliked the Uchiha. The boy was an arrogant bastard who never appreciated what was given to him. As soon as Ino caught wind of what he said next...

"Uchiha Sasuke recently discovered that Uzumaki Naruto was a Wind affinity and wanted to discuss trading him for Ino. Apparently Haruno Sakura hadn't been stoking his ego enough so he wanted the second most rabid member of his fan club on his team as well." he replied as he made his move.

"Really?" Asuma asked, looking interested. Apparently Ino had been getting on his nerves again. If that girl had the power to back up her bossiness, she'd truly be a fearsome kunoichi indeed. Since she didn't however, and every other topic was clothes, Sasuke, or her diet...

* * *

"But dad, a Wind affinity." Asuma whined in a way he hadn't since he had tried to beg his father to buy him that super awesome sword he had wanted when he was twelve. Not that he'd gotten the sword either...

"I'm sorry son, but until a member is either promoted or leaves the shinobi forces either feet-first or otherwise I can't change the Genin teams once they've been passed." the Sandaime Hokage said with a sigh. He wasn't quite sure what had brought this on, but if he could have given into his son's begging and given him Naruto, he would have done so and not just because it was annoying as hell. This had been the first time his son had come to him for something in a long time.

It was a pity he couldn't give it to him however...

**Edited 4/2/13**


	4. The Momochi Family Debt

Sasuke's voice suddenly cut through the discussion that Momochi Zabuza who was standing on his sword which was embedded in the trunk of a tall tree was having with Kakashi who was reaching for his hitai-ate. The fact that a mere Genin had dared to interrupt while the adults were getting the pre-battle banter that usually gauged how serious either side was about the upcoming fight out of the way was near-unthinkable, not that Sasuke cared.

"What do you want brat?" Zabuza asked, turning his attention to him.

"Have you either seen or seen pictures of the Fourth Hokage?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?" Zabuza replied, looking slightly confused as to why the boy would interrupt with something so completely irrelevant to the situation at hand.

"I just wanted an outside opinion. Does my teammate_ Uzumaki _Naruto look like the Fourth Hokage or does he not?" he asked, placing a special emphasis on the Uzumaki because that was all Naruto was in his opinion.

Zabuza turned to look at Naruto. Soon he would have his answer, it would be no, and everything would go back to normal. There was no way in hell that the Idiot, the Dead Last, the one just about everyone except Umino Iruka hated, the one who only managed to graduate due to the blatant favoritism of the Third Hokage who seemed to view him as some sort of pet was the son of someone as important as the Fourth Hokage.

* * *

Kakashi stared at his new least favorite student unable to comprehend the massive scale of the boy's latest act of stupidity. He was going to kill Sasuke. He was going to kill him in the slowest and most painful manner imaginable. He hadn't told Naruto who his father was because what the boy didn't know, he couldn't reveal under interrogation and Naruto had understood this and accepted it. Now, here Sasuke was trying to announce Naruto's parentage to the entire goddamn world.

"Uzumaki? Not Uzumaki Takeshi's grandson?" Zabuza asked as he looked Naruto over apparently searching for something.

"I don't know. His mother's name was Kushina. He has her maiden name." Sakura replied.

Zabuza's eyes widened slightly at this.

"Change of plans." Zabuza said. "I'm going to kill all of you except Naruto."

"Why?" Sakura asked in that screechy tone that seemed to drill straight through your skull and activate the parts of your brain that caused headaches.

"Because, unlike Naruto, my family doesn't owe any of your families a massive debt." Zabuza said as if he was explaining something rather simple to a toddler.

"Debt?" Sakura asked. "How much money do you owe him?"

"All of it is non-monetary." Zabuza said before he lunged towards him to start the long-delayed fight.

He leapt back not letting any musings on how a family could owe such a debt to a family of foreign shinobi, especially shinobi from a village that Kiri had had a hand in destroying, distract him. He would have to think on that one later though.

* * *

Sakura moaned as she flopped down onto the futon that had been provided for her at the bridge builder Tazuna's house after the unconscious Kakashi-sensei had been settled onto one of his own. Tazuna's daughter Tsunami was in the next room over tending to poor Sasuke-kun's ribs. Her own back ached, and she was near certain that it was all one massive bruise.

There were times when she really really hated Naruto and this was one of them. The Demon of the Mist had gone after them in a way that made it apparent that he was toying with them a bit before he killed them. Even though Kakashi had given his all to defend them, Sasuke had been drop kicked twice and she'd been tossed into a tree. And what did Naruto get? He got patted on the head before he was gently pushed away from the battle. Not that he stayed out of it mind you, but still...

**Edited 4/2/13.**


	5. Chunin Pandemonium

Sasuke knew he probably should have learned his lesson after the "Zabuza Incident", but he still wasn't convinced that the Dead Last Uzumaki Naruto was the Fourth Hokage's son, though he was willing to admit that he might concede to the fact that there was a slight possibility if there was a general enough consensus in the matter. If the Fourth Hokage had a kid however, he should be totally super awesome like It- That Man was before he went completely nuts and killed the clan...On second thought, bad example.

For the first week after returning from Wave, he'd had bruises on bruises on bruises, all compliments of one Hatake Kakashi. This should have taught him, but like most Uchiha - one Uchiha Madara for example - he could be tenaciously stubborn in sticking to his course despite the fact that he was quite obviously in the wrong and could even be seriously hurt or killed if he continued down it.

Now, it was the Chunin Exam and he had a larger pool of neutral and ideally completely objective subjects to poll in regards to the matter of Naruto's paternity. Noting that all of the attention on the room was centered on himself as well as the rest of the rookie Genin from their year shortly after entering the room in which the first phase of the Exams was to take place, he decided that now was a good time as any to ask his question.

"Attention Everyone! I have a question. Does my teammate Uzumaki Naruto resemble the Fourth Hokage? Yes or No?" he yelled as he pointed to the whiskered blond idiot.

The result was a brief silence as the room as a whole examined the subject of his inquiry before total pandemonium broke out.

* * *

When Ibiki and the proctors arrived to give the first test of the Chunin Exams, it was to the sight of the candidates from Iwa and the candidates from Kiri jumping out of the windows to shouts of "Holy Shit! The Yellow Flash Reproduced!" and "Run for your lives! It's an Uzumaki!" respectively. The candidates from Kumo were all gathered around Konoha's resident Jinchurriki, bowing and calling him "Uzumaki-Sama".

He didn't even want to know. Seriously, when it came to the Uzumaki, you were better off not knowing.

* * *

From his spot near the front of the room, Orochimaru sighed. Kabuto was looking at him, obviously searching for answers, answers that he didn't have as he had stopped searching long before the Uzumaki boy's mother had died. There were some things out there that man - even men obsessed with knowing everything about everything - wasn't meant to know. The Uzumaki had always been weird like that, which made their alliance and reputed relation to the rather straitlaced Senju rather odd.

He did the only thing he could think of in this situation, which was to give the boy a "Fuck if I know" shrug and attempted to repress the events of the last several minutes before the massive headache started like the one he'd gotten after that time Kushina had...Damn, he'd thought he'd repressed that. Of course, then again, repressing Kushina's entire existence as he had been doing for the last twelve years was an exercise in futility at the best of times. If only she hadn't become so obsessed with him after she'd decided she loved him and she hated him at the same time...

**Edited 4/2/13**


	6. Officially, and Unofficially

Despite that they should have been preparing like mad for the next phase of the Exams, Team 7 had met up with their Sensei shortly after the written portion of the exams was over. Suffice to say that after the departure of the entire Kiri and Iwa delegations who had only come due to a great deal of political wrangling on the Hokage's part, only twelve teams made it through and that was only due to Naruto's rather timely or untimely but completely unintended encouragement.

When they came together, Naruto and Sakura eagerly greeted Kakashi, still high on their victory, while Sasuke held back, instinctively knowing what was coming next.

"Kakashi-Sensei! Kakashi-Sensei! We made it through the first test!" Naruto yelled eagerly as he happily bounced around his teacher.

"The people from Kiri and Iwa jumped out of the windows to get away from Naruto, and the guys from Kumo were acting really weird during the test." Sakura said after their teacher congratulated them, passing on what she saw as the most interesting bit of news to come out of the exam.

"Weird how?" Kakashi asked, suddenly appearing more alert than his usual "lazy" self.

"They called Naruto Uzumaki-Sama and were bowing. One of them even offered to sharpen his pencil for him, and I could almost swear I saw another steal it after the test was over." Sakura replied.

"Ah, that." Kakashi said relaxing as soon as he realized that his student wasn't under immediate threat, and would likely have an easier time of it during the second phase of the Exams since the most worrying group had chosen to flee rather than fight.

"What was that about, anyways?" Naruto asked, looking puzzled.

"Officially, Kumo abducted one Uzumaki Kushina who was later rescued by one Namikaze Minato who followed a trail of her hair that she had left behind. Unofficially, Kushina got tired of waiting to be rescued, and the followers of Jashin ended up elevating her to sainthood after the "Incident" which followed despite her not following their religion. Rumor has it that she forced the Yondaime Raikage to eat his own spleen just before Minato-Sensei arrived and rescued him. When asked "Why the spleen?" she is rumored to have stated that she'd failed anatomy and grabbed the first thing she found, hoping it was the liver." Kakashi replied.

Sasuke curled up into an even tighter ball in his hiding space after he'd overheard his sensei's story. How the hell did the son of all that end up so freaking normal, and the Dead Last no less? Oh wait, he'd decided that Naruto wasn't the offspring of the Fourth Hokage. For the sake of his sanity, he was going to chose to believe the official story that Kakashi had mentioned. The Yondaime had clearly rescued the helpless Uzumaki Kushina whom he had never ever had sex with. As for how Naruto was conceived...Kushina had probably asexually reproduced or something.

A sudden chill went up Sasuke's spine about a second before he suddenly found himself in the shade.

"And don't think I haven't forgotten about you." Kakashi said coldly as he glared down at his wayward and apparently suicidally stupid student.

What happened next made Sasuke's return from Wave look like a walk in the park in comparison. If he weren't needed alive and in one piece so his teammates could advance, there was a good chance that he wouldn't have been by the time Kakashi was through with him.

**Edited 4/1/13.**


	7. In the Forest of Pranks

Sandaime Hokage Sarutobi Hiruzen sighed after finishing reading the report he'd received. Months ago, Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura had pieced together an S-class secret about their teammate, and unfortunately it hadn't been the one about the Kyuubi. The one he had thought more likely to spill the secret since she was a notorious gossip hadn't, but she hadn't stopped her teammate and longtime crush Uchiha Sasuke from doing so either.

The last time Sasuke spilled the secret of Naruto's parentage to foreign shinobi, they had been extremely lucky because the shinobi had died before they could share it with or more likely sell it to interested parties. This time however, they were not so lucky. The secret had made its way across the continent in a matter of hours, following in the wake of a number of fleeing Iwa Genin teams. Genin teams that he'd only just barely gotten to participate in the Exams while they took place in Konoha for the first time since the War, and only after making several concessions to that smug bastard Onoki.

The fact that the truth of Naruto's parentage had gotten out now was both worrisome and unfortunate as Naruto was not yet capable of defending himself from any assassins that might slip past his ANBU guard, especially now that the boy's abilities have taken a sharp drop in certain areas, especially in the areas of stealth and evasion. He knew why this was, and was afraid that the decision he'd just made would come back to bite him in the ass. Years ago, the Yamanaka who'd examined the boy and further buried the aspect of the child which had been labeled "Dark Naruto" had informed him that Naruto's strong ability to compartmentalize things was the reason the child wasn't a raving lunatic. Unfortunately, that tendency towards compartmentalization had a number of drawbacks.

Sighing once more, he sent for Naruto.

* * *

Sakura watched and waited for her absent teammate in worry. The Second Phase of the Chunin Exams was about to start, and if he didn't get here in less than a minute, their team would be disqualified. As the worry turned to terror, Naruto showed up with just seconds to spare.

The first thing she noticed when he appeared was that he was carrying a massive backpack and wearing the evil grin she hadn't seen on his face since the Academy. While it technically wasn't against the rules, almost everyone else had come with just themselves and their equipment pouches, as they didn't want to risk being encumbered by something like the bulky pack Naruto was carrying in a life or death situation. Naruto apparently wasn't so concerned.

"Naruto, why are you bringing that backpack? It's just going to slow you down." she asked, since Sasuke who was now sporting a black eye and a split lip because Kakashi had slipped up twice while playing "Leave no marks where anyone can see them" seemed to be determined to ignore Naruto's existence entirely.

"The Old Man told me that pranks really weren't childish, and that I didn't need "Grow up and stop pranking people now that I was a Genin". Unfortunately, he also told me that I could only prank ninja who attacked me or my comrades, which sucks since I have a revenge list a mile long that I had wanted to finish. Fortunately, he told me that I could use the ones he told me to never ever use again on anyone who attacked me, my teammates, my comrades, or the village itself." Naruto replied, his evil grin growing even wider.

Sakura briefly wondered at the shudder that passed through the proctor for this part of the exams when she handed them their release of liability forms and the wary look she gave Naruto as she held his out in a trembling hand. Sure, Naruto dropped the occasional eraser on the Instructors' heads, changed the clocks around on occasion, and did a million other small things, but it couldn't be that bad, could it?

* * *

Orochimaru drew back coughing and rubbing his burning eyes despite the fact that that was the last thing he should be doing. One second he'd been chasing the Uchiha boy up a tree, and the next, he'd fallen victim to a pepper bomb that had been set off in his face by the Uzumaki brat whom he could still hear laughing that incredibly evil laugh that brought back memories of the child's mother, such as the time she...and the time she...and that other time she...and the morning she...

Oh god! He'd thought he'd successfully repressed those!

* * *

Sasuke watched as Naruto set a number of rather ingenious traps around the Grass ninja who was currently clutching her head and chanting "Repress. Repress. Uzumaki Kushina never existed. Repress. Repress. This didn't just happen. Repress. Repress."

What kind of family did that boy come from?

Oh right, Naruto's mother was some helpless kidnap victim, and dead last at the Academy just like her son. His father most definitely wasn't the Yondaime no matter how many people seemed to think so for whatever reason. Naruto wasn't anything special, and those weren't traps, they were just a bunch of stupid pranks like the ones Naruto used to pull back at the Academy. That was his story, and he was sticking to it.

**Edited 4/2/13**


	8. Around the Village

Sasuke twitched as he heard another comment of "Just like his father" come from one of the villagers who hadn't stopped gossiping since the invasion as he helped rebuild a house as part of a D Rank that was intended to get Konoha back on its feet. He'd apparently opened this whole can of worms when he'd tried to prove that Naruto wasn't the Yondaime's son, and people started seeing a resemblance that just wasn't there. It certainly didn't help things when the Chunin Exams had ended in an invasion which Naruto had helped fight off, defeating the strange monster that the boy who had been his opponent in the final phase of the Exams had become in the process.

The fact that Naruto had somehow summoned the Toad Boss Gamabunta who had last been seen near Konoha when the Yondaime had been fighting the Kyuubi during that fight didn't help either. Just about everyone became convinced that Naruto was the Yondaime's son then and there, and there was now a great deal of gossip about the Yondaime and Naruto's mother who the ninja had all called Habanero flying about the village. He'd tried pointing out that anyone could summon Gamabunta if they signed the Toad Summoning contract, but had gotten looks of pity in return, when he wasn't receiving looks of fear, or wary looks as if the person looking at him thought he was about to snap at any second and go on a killing spree, or when mothers weren't pulling their children away from him more frequently than usual. If the villagers who didn't think he was a raving lunatic who should be locked up for everyone's safety were to be believed, he wasn't trying to be logical about the whole thing, and was just insanely jealous over the fact that he wasn't the most important member of his team. They seemed to think that he liked being the Last of the Uchiha for some strange reason.

Following the invasion and its aftermath, Naruto had gotten rather paranoid when the villagers actually started smiling at him and greeted him politely, and had holed himself up in his apartment which he had surrounded with a massive number of traps. Considering how unusual it was for the villagers to behave that way towards the Dead Last who had been almost universally hated for as long as he could remember, he didn't entirely blame the other boy. He'd probably have done the same if he were in a similar situation himself. Just because the Uzumaki had wanted the villagers to be nice to him for his entire life didn't mean that the poor stupid bastard would know what to do when they finally were.

As he was painting the exterior of the house he'd helped rebuild under the watchful eye of the contractor who'd been grumbling about Genin labor not being what it used to, someone came running, saying something about Itachi showing up in order to kidnap Naruto.

Great. Even the bastard who had betrayed and murdered their clan had jumped on the "Naruto is the son of the Yondaime" bandwagon.

Wait? What?!

**Edited 4/2/13**


	9. The Argument

As soon as the contractor had let him loose upon realizing that he wouldn't be getting any more work out of him since he was so distracted and two seconds away from running off anyways, Sasuke had raced to his sensei's apartment where it was confirmed that Itachi had indeed attacked, and that his target had indeed been Naruto. Upon receiving said confirmation in the form of a loose-lipped Aoba who'd probably wanted him to run off and die considering...he had then run out of town with the intention of tracking Itachi down. He had reached finally the inn that Naruto and the Toad Sage whose contract had started the whole "Naruto is the son of the Yondaime" mess in the village were staying in while Naruto was fighting Itachi and a blue stranger in a cloak that was identical to Itachi's. Both men were trying to capture Naruto, and Naruto was trying and failing to escape.

As he watched Naruto struggle, a feeling of jealousy over the fact that Itachi hadn't even taken the time to even consider killing him when he'd come to Konoha rose within him, matching the rage he felt over the fact that Itachi had come to Konoha and tried to take away his team the way he had done his family. He knew it was slightly sick but...

"You're just trying to take Naruto away because you think he's the Yondaime's son!" he yelled angrily at his older brother who hadn't even stopped to look at him when he arrived.

"Well, now that that cat is out of the bag, yes, Naruto is the Yondaime's son, but that's not why we're taking him little brother." Itachi said as he made another grab for the Uzumaki.

"No he's not!" he yelled, upset that when he finally saw his brother again after learning a cool new assassination Jutsu that might actually kill him if he stood still long enough for him to hit him with it, it became all about Naruto the way everything was lately.

"Uh, yes he is." Itachi replied while his partner who had been off to the side staring open-mouthed at the entire exchange finally moved to block Naruto's escape.

"No, he's not!" he yelled as he charged Itachi with an active Chidori that gouged a line in the wall.

"Yes he is." Itachi said as he caught him and broke his arm before the jutsu could connect.

"No he's not!" he yelled when he was finally able to see properly and could actually breathe without screaming.

"And people wondered why I was the favorite..." Itachi muttered, shaking his head.

Sasuke found himself being slammed into a wall and Tsukuyomi'd again. Rather than seeing his clan die like when he was eight as Itachi had initially planned, Sasuke found himself watching the Yondaime walking around with a heavily pregnant red haired woman who looked alot like Naruto. Walking around with his arm wrapped around her waist and his hand on her belly as he told a much younger version of his and Naruto's sensei that he was going to teach their child when he got older.

"Yes he is." a voice said as the image changed to reveal a heavily pregnant red haired woman being led through the woods by an old woman and the Yondaime. The red-haired woman who greatly resembled Naruto was screaming at the Yondaime and telling him that if he wanted another one he'd have to give birth to it himself. The scene ended with his own mother grabbing his shoulder, whirling him around, and ordering him to go home and watch Sasuke.

"That's not proof." he replied defiantly.

He hadn't seen the red-haired woman give birth to Naruto, so there was no proof that these scenes were real as opposed to play-acting or something.

He heard a groan and a "If I didn't know any better, I'd swear I broke him." somewhere in the distance as the scene changed to reveal a red-haired woman racing into their house uninvited, yelling something about being pregnant and someone named Minato being the father at the top of her lungs, causing his father to choke on his dinner while his mother who looked to be pregnant herself got up and ushered the strange woman out of the house.

"That still isn't proof." he replied to his brother who was out there somewhere.

**Edited 4/2/13**


	10. Orochimaru

After less than a month in his presence, Orochimaru could say that he was glad that he wouldn't be needing anything other than Sasuke's body for the transference when the time came. There was something wrong with the boy that went beyond even his own level of broken. Not even he denied reality to the point that Sasuke did. The fact _that_ that was what Sasuke had chosen to fixate on, and _that_ was what had caused Sasuke to join him even though he was lacking a curse seal rather than a desire for the power to defeat his older brother was beyond disturbing.

The Yondaime was Uzumaki Naruto's father no matter how much the Uchiha boy tried to deny it, and he himself was glad of that fact since, with Little Minato keeping her occupied, Kushina hadn't had as much time to hang around him and shred what little was left of his sanity with her bizarre and logic defying antics. Some of what Kushina could do when she wasn't thinking broke the rules of the universe, and her son seemed to be following in her footsteps in that regard. It wasn't just the boy's strange ability to turn even the most hardened criminals into saints after a fight that defied all reason either.

He didn't know what had set the Uchiha boy off this time, but Little Sasuke was in his room muttering about how his former teammate wasn't the son of the Yondaime, and how the Uzumaki boy's mother was an ordinary woman who couldn't scare the Sage of the Six Paths himself shitless before stealing the last of his sanity had he had the misfortune to meet her. Great, as soon as he got the little brat whom he was beginning to think wasn't worth it out of his room, he was going to have to spend the rest of the afternoon repressing Kushina's existence once-more.

He didn't deny that Kushina existed, he just simply chose to forget it for the sake of what little remained of his sanity. There was a reason he'd done his best to repress Uzumaki Kushina's existence after all, and it wasn't just because of that bizarre one-sided Love/Hate relationship she'd had going with him.

Yes, it was a good thing that the only part of Sasuke's brain he would have need of would be the part that controlled his eyes. The boy had been bringing up memories that were best left buried since his arrival. Such as the time Kushina had got it into her head that...And the time that Kushina had tried to...And that other time Kushina had...And that time he'd gone for a walk and caught little Minato and Kushina...And that time that a heavily pregnant Kushina...

Great. Just great. He'd do the lobotomy right now if there wasn't a risk that he might damage a part of the brain that made the Sharingan work aside from the usual ones that controlled the eyes. There had to be a reason for why the Uchiha either fell into the category of Insufferably Arrogant or Batshit Insane if they didn't fall into both after all.

**Edited 4/2/13**


	11. Tobi

As he listened to Sasuke grumble as he pulled on his brand-new Akatsuki cloak, Tobi blinked at the younger Uchiha's last statement, sure that he'd misheard the boy. He'd heard that his cousin had held some strange beliefs regarding the Kyuubi Jinchuriki, but this...

He must've misheard him. Right? There was no way that his cousin could be that dense, right?

"Could you repeat that?" he asked, dreading what he just knew he was going to hear.

"And, everyone going on about Naruto, like he's the second coming of the Yondaime. I don't know why they all think he's his son..." Sasuke obediently repeated.

"Probably because he is." Tobi said, unable to believe his cousin's state of denial.

He and Madara had denied reality as it was but, that didn't mean that they didn't acknowledge its existence. They just denied that it was their reality, and were working to change it into something better. Sasuke however...Sasuke was apparently already living in some other reality despite the fact that he was still walking around in this one.

"Not you too!" Sasuke exclaimed in frustration.

"Not me too what?" he said. "I was there for the birth, and I even held Naruto when he was less than two minutes old. If he isn't the Yondaime's son, his father must be his clone or something because everything he doesn't get from his mother, he got from Mi- _him_."

Of course, that hadn't gone into the whole issue of why he'd been there, and exactly what he'd been doing at the time he'd been holding Naruto, and how he'd known the Yondaime so well as to be able to spot him under all that Kushina when it came to Naruto. Apart from Rin who would be returning to him soon, his past life was a closed book as far as he was concerned, including the fact that Minato-sensei had only had eyes for one woman, and that woman had only had eyes for Minato-sensei. He'd walked in on the two of them at the wrong moment often enough to know it to be true.

_He'd been happily walking through the park watching the stars come out as he sucked on the candy that old lady Hanako had given him as a reward for retrieving her dog from a tree. As to how the small Shih Tzu had gotten up there, he had no idea. As he passed the vacant playground, he heard giggling. Turning to look, he noticed that the playground wasn't quite as empty as he had thought. Minato-sensei and Kushina-san were playing on the swings. On the same swing. Facing each-other. And Kushina's skirt was..._

_Oh...OH. Yeah, it was long past time to get the hell out of there before he was scarred for life. Again._

Damn. And he'd thought that he'd successfully repressed that. That and the fifty other times he'd...Why oh why had he just had to be the student of a borderline exhibitionist who was dating and later married to a woman for whom the word "Inhibition" was for all intents and purposes missing from her vocabulary.

The only surprise when it came to Naruto's birth as far as he was concerned was that the boy hadn't been conceived years earlier.

**Edited 4/2/13.**


	12. Okay, I Concede That There is a Possibil

"I still don't see it." Sasuke said, cutting across Hashirama's explanation as to why he was so surprised that Konoha was still standing with Tsunade as Hokage and the quiet explanation of exactly as to why he had "Yondaime Hokage" stitched on the back of his coat that Minato was giving an incredulous Tobirama.

"Don't see what?" the Sandaime asked as Tobirama signed _You mean they were actually that stupid?! _in Early ANBU to the Yondaime.

"There's no way that _Uzumaki_..." Sasuke started before Hiruzen cut him off with an incredulous "You're still on about that?!"

"On about what?" Minato asked, his ears having perked up at the sound of his wife's surname.

"Naruto's teammates, being the clever children they were, figured out that Naruto is your son. Sasuke's been in denial ever since." the Sandaime explained.

"And Hashirama wondered why I wouldn't let him make Madara the Hokage..." Tobirama muttered, breaking the incredulous silence that had fallen over the group.

"Uh, why wouldn't they have known that Naruto was my son beforehand?" Minato asked, sounding as if he didn't want to hear the answer because he knew it would just upset him.

"Since you weren't there to protect him, I decided that it would be in Naruto's best interests to conceal his heritage from those who weren't already in the know." Hiruzen replied, looking slightly guilty.

"How could they not know he was my son despite all that?! The last time I saw him, he was a total mini-me." Minato said, getting that deadly look in his eyes that had even the strongest Iwa nin soiling themselves.

"Let's just say that the only thing he seems to have gotten from you is your coloring. Everything else came from Kushina." the Sandaime replied.

"_Oh dear..." _Minato said.

"Not everything comes from Kushina." Orochimaru chipped in. "Odds are that he's going to follow in your footsteps and become the next Hokage."

"Crap." the Yondaime groaned. "There goes Konoha..."

* * *

There seemed to be a lull in the battle as he and Madara pulled themselves back together. Based on the way people were standing there almost expectantly following the somewhat unsuccessful attack on their persons, Obito guessed that they were waiting for the next monologue so they could rest up while he and Madara tipped their hands by revealing more of their plans and a few S-ranked secrets.

Well, when it came to what appeared to be an S-Ranked secret based on the surprised reaction coming from a number of civilians out in the boonies who'd heard Sasuke's constant ranting on the subject of a certain opponent of his...

"Hey everybody, did you know that Namikaze Minato is Naruto's father?" he asked, taking a stab in the dark.

"YES!" virtually all of the assembled shinobi shouted back.

A guy who was clearly cannon fodder and obviously from a minor village in the middle of nowhere who was standing in the back row raised his hand.

"Yes?" he said, feeling a little bit like an Academy instructor as he gave the man permission to speak.

"I didn't." the guy said, looking vaguely embarrassed.

"What was that about?" Madara asked after he'd finished reforming.

"Well, after I'd told Sasuke that I'd personally caught my former sensei and his wife doing the horizontal mattress tango for the twenty-seventh time, and a civilian who overheard us discussing the matter seemed shocked by the fact that Naruto was sensei's son, I was beginning to wonder whether...I mean, what does it say for our clan if it was just Sasuke who was that stupid?" he replied.

"Which was it?" Madara asked, looking slightly disturbed.

"Huh?" he asked.

"The twenty-seventh time you'd caught them, or the twenty-seventh time you had to tell this Sasuke that you'd caught them?" Madara asked, looking as if he were dreading the answer.

"Well, considering the fact that I was telling him about the twenty-seventh time I'd caught them, I'd have to say both." he replied.

"And I'd warned them that marrying your first cousin wasn't healthy..." Madara groaned as he buried his face in his hands.

* * *

"And then, after she kissed her way down, she licked my..." Namikaze Minato said, continuing his blow-by-blow account of the night Naruto had been conceived.

"Hmm, must be an Uzumaki thing." Hashirama said from where he was listening, not paying attention to the fact that just about everyone else had covered their ears.

"...And after she was done licking it, she kissed her way back up, and then she..." Minato continued, ignoring the Shodai Hokage's comment.

"Okay, please stop!" a horrified Sasuke who was unable to cover his ears because he was firmly bound yelled, not wanting to hear any more about his former teammate's conception. "I'll concede to the fact that there is a possibility that Naruto is your son if you'll just stop."

"So, you don't' want to hear more about how Kushina...?" Minato asked with a wicked gleam in his eye.

"No!" Sasuke yelled.

"So, do you want to hear about what she used to like to do while she was expecting Naruto?" Minato asked with a mischievous smirk that oddly called Naruto when he was planning a prank to mind.

"Oooh, she got randy while she was pregnant too did she?" Hashirama said with a slight leer. "The stories I could tell you about how Mito got while she was expecting our..."

"Shut up! Shut up!" Sasuke screamed. "Will the both of you just shut up? I do not want to hear about your love lives or the resulting offspring."

"So..."

"Fine, you win! Naruto's your son, now shut up! If I ever hear another word from you, or you again..." Sasuke yelled at the Shodai and Yondaime Hokages.

"Does that mean that he doesn't want to hear about how me and Madara used to be friends and how everything that happened to his clan was all Tobirama's fault then?" Hashirama asked.

"Wait, what?!"


End file.
